As a marriage mentor in my church, and a board member of a non-profit that deals with domestic violence, exploitation and trafficking, I’d like to point out another facet of this dirty little secret of pornography that wasn't addressed in the Rebecca Hagelin article, Pornography and You.  There are too-few columnists who are willing to address this uncomfortable social problem, so I give Rebecca loud praise.  Yet like Rebecca, most that do dare to write on this topic, fail to yell loud enough about the danger of soft porn. And, they fail to give sufficient attention to the underbelly of the problem:  pornography turns women (and men and children) into objects rather than people.

These porn-stars are our brothers and sisters, and our children. These are hurting people who have been abused and are being abused. Let’s face facts. Viewers of even soft porn are themselves abusers.

Pornography, like any other addiction, very often leads the user down a path of ever increasing depravity. True. But that isn’t where they started, and that’s not the foundation of the problem. Initial exposure is usually a modest diet of “soft” porn, and it’s easily justified because it’s not hardcore. The occasional porn user sees it as recreational, and they take pride in not being “hardcore” users. But they are still abusers.

We need to teach, preach and yell from every bully pulpit that even soft porn is exploitive. Soft-porn users need to understand and face this truth. Until this message is widely understood, we won’t stem the tide of this growing problem. We need to do more than just give therapy to those who are already addicted, we need to stop adults and children before they start. For others who are already soft-porn users, we need to appeal to them to stop cold turkey, now, because the eye-candy is really poison to them, and for those people they are viewing. We need to help them stop in the early days when they can still consider this fact, before the addiction gains a life-strangling hold over them.

How do we do this? The best way is to continually herald a message of exploitation and objectification of women (and men, and children) when we talk about pornography. And we need more people to be talking about pornography, and that it is a problem of epidemic proportions.

It’s not just about us. It’s not just about users of pornography. It’s about the people involved in the sex trade, too.

Though many of the women (and men) involved in the sex industry are technically willing participants, most are victims of terrible abuse in their past, and/or drug addiction in the present. We need to understand that their involvement in this despicable industry does nothing but further damage their psyche as well as their physical health. Usually permanent damage. Serious, permanent damage.

To support the porn industry, including buying or even using “free” soft porn, serves to promote and continue this abuse. Users of pornography, all users of pornography including soft porn, are themselves de facto sexual abusers. Comfortable in their viewing chair, they fail to acknowledge the behind-the-scenes carnage.

So we need to avoid porn because it will become an addiction, and because it delivers subliminal teaching that the opposite sex are just objects of pleasure; and because of the exploitation of the real people who are the “stars” of the screen and magazine page. But there is more.

When we buy products from stores and manufacturers which are engaged in the porn industry, even not-porn products, we are still supporting an exploitive industry. We are still supporting and empowering those who hurt people. Therefore, we need to avoid buying anything, even non-porn products, from these purveyors of slavery.

Fortunately, we now have other options available to us. We have access to online stores such as “Intimacy of Eden” (www.IntimacyOfEden.com) who supply romance-related goods, but not pornography, who intentionally even avoid selling products made by companies that also produce porn or other unhealthy products.

In my view, we have a moral responsibility to avoid those companies which are partnering with the porn crowd. Conversely, we also need to reward the vendors who actively promote healthy marriages. We need to shop exclusively at stores that take their no-porn marriage-friendly social responsibility seriously.

On the admittedly politically incorrect side, we need to also acknowledge “why?” many husbands (and wives) are tempted by pornography. It’s sometimes, perhaps even often, because their spouse is sexually frigid, unavailable, or there is another relationship problem which damages intimacy.

Sure, many who have frequently sex with their spouse are still drawn into pornography, but many others get there because of an unhealthy sex life at home. Women, wake up! Men, wake up! This isn’t just a “guy” problem.

Further, pornography use is now a growing problem among women, too, as well as men. And it’s becoming common for kids, as well, even young girls and boys who become not just porn users, and sexually active, but also active in “staring” in their own pornographic photo shoots. It’s commonplace for young girls (and boys) to send sexually explicit emails and text messages to their friends.  A problem more specific with young girls is to send nude photos of themselves, captured by their cell phone camera, to both boyfriends and girl friends.

This is not just a “man” problem.

On the web site “Letters from Eve” (www.Letters-from-Eve.org), sponsored by the Christian Marriage Mentors Association, they don’t sell books but they do provide a list of Top-10 Books on Marriage and Sex. This selection came from a survey of Christian marriage counselors and sex therapists, who voted these to be the best books on the most common sex and marriage issues. They even provide a link for a free download of the powerful no-nonsense ebook on porn called Porn-Again.

Though these materials were selected to be in accord with a biblical perspective of sex and marriage, these resource provide time-tested tried-and-true advice for anyone, Christian or not, who wants to improve their married sex life.

If we want to promote a healthy understanding of sex to our children, we need to enjoy a healthy sex life ourselves.  For married couples, we need to remember that pornography-use is very often an outgrowth of another relationship problem at home. And, we need to deal with it.

Lastly, every spouse needs to not only be aware of the signs of porn use in their home, but also ask themselves, “Am I doing my part to make our sex life satisfying, and totally fulfilling? Am I inadvertently encouraging my spouse to look elsewhere for sexual satisfaction?” Also, we need to be aware of what are kids are thinking, and doing in this realm.

Schools are actively teaching our kids about sex, starting in the early years of elementary school, so we better be, too. We need to be healthy in our own sex life, and we need to do more than just enforce “rules” with our children. We need to help them understand, and appreciate sexuality in the proper context. This means we need to have age-appropriate conversations about pornography, too.

If a spouse identifies a sex problem, whether it’s one of their own making or not, they need to seize the initiative and seek remedy before the situation develops into a much larger problem. There isn’t a status quo to be maintained when it comes to sex problems.  Deal with it now, or it will get worse.

The articles available on www.Letters-From-Eve.com, and their Top-10 Books on Sex and Marriage are a good place to start, but they don’t take the place of counseling for those who are facing serious problems. Thankfully, there are many resources to help those who are addicted to pornography such as those cited in Rebecca's article, and many other resources which focus on marriage, generally, but there are only a few which deal with sex in marriage issues head on, providing reliable fact-based information and counsel. Letters from Eve is herein quite unique.  It's unfortunate that there aren't more web sites such as Letters from Eve available, which concentrate on helping good marriages become even better, and thereby help couples avoid problems like pornography before they start.

We need to be proactive in our marriages, so that we can do an end-run and avoid these kinds of problems before they start. Therefore, promoting reliable straight-talk resources, such as these, are all the more important. Let's spread the word at our churches, synagogues, community meetings and social clubs.  Let's not leave our friends struggle with this "dirty little secret" alone.  And let's do our part to promote healthy sex and marriage while we're at it.

My encouragement is that each of take an active, proactive role. Let’s be vocal in our gates of influence, and let’s not wait until we are facing a big problem in our own marriage. Let’s deal with sex and marriage, pornography, and other sex difficulties and diseases while they are still small infections. Then maybe we can stop sex slavery on both sides of the computer screen.